Since the onset of Russia’s military offensive against Ukraine on February 24, 2022, many Russians have faced a difficult choice: to speak out against the war or remain silent amid increasing government repression. One individual navigating this treacherous landscape is Varvara, a 32-year-old woman from Moscow who initially joined anti-war protests but now feels compelled to keep her opinions to herself for the sake of survival.
From Protester to Silent Observer
Varvara’s journey began in the early days of the conflict, driven by feelings of “despair and anger” at the government’s actions. She participated in protests in central Moscow, where dissent was met with violent crackdowns by police. “I went there without knowing what’s next,” she recalled, acknowledging the risks involved in her decision to protest. Despite warnings to her loved ones about potential arrest, she found the courage to stand up for her beliefs.
Although Varvara managed to avoid arrest during those turbulent times, the repercussions of her activism were immediate. After signing a petition against the war, she lost her job at a public institution. Friends who had also participated in protests faced brief detentions, leading many to choose emigration as a safer alternative. Yet, for Varvara, leaving her home country was not a viable option. “I didn’t feel an immediate physical threat. No one was knocking on my door, I wasn’t jailed or tortured,” she explained.
Finding a New Normal
Despite the oppressive atmosphere, Varvara found a new path by working at a charity organization. She realized that the best way to navigate her situation was to contribute positively within Russia. In the summer of 2022, she met her future husband, providing her with a renewed sense of purpose. “The only reason to leave would be if one of us was facing arrest,” she stated, indicating her commitment to remaining in the country.
The war’s impact on Varvara’s life has been profound and all-consuming. It took her two years to reclaim a sense of happiness without guilt. “A friend and I went for a walk. It was summer, we just walked and talked. I realized it was simply a nice day—and I don’t feel guilty about enjoying it,” she reflected, highlighting the emotional toll the conflict has taken on her everyday existence.
Now, as a stepmother to her husband’s two children from a previous marriage, Varvara feels a deep sense of responsibility. “If I was alone, I wouldn’t be hiding my name. But now I’m a stepmother, part of a complex family structure,” she explained. Her desire to start her own family has influenced her decision to avoid speaking out against the Kremlin. “I can no longer afford to take this kind of optional risk,” she added.
Even as she maintains silence, the war continues to complicate her life. In her charity role, Varvara often grapples with ethical dilemmas regarding whom to collaborate with, given the pervasiveness of military connections among organizations. “There’s this constant inner struggle: whom can you work with and whom you can’t?” she said, underlining the difficult choices faced by those seeking to do good amid the turmoil.
Varvara’s relationship with her father, a member of Russia’s security services who has fought in Ukraine, adds another layer of complexity to her situation. While he regularly offers financial assistance, she cannot accept it, saying, “He’s my father, I love him. But for me, it’s impossible to accept this money.” This sentiment encapsulates the emotional and moral challenges many face in a country where family ties can conflict with personal beliefs.
As the war drags on, Varvara’s story reflects the silent struggles of countless Russians who oppose the conflict but feel powerless to take action. In a nation where dissent is harshly suppressed, the resilience of individuals like Varvara highlights the complex landscape of resistance in contemporary Russia.
